All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
