This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
