I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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