Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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