and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
