Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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