Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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