I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
