The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
