I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
