Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize