You really coming over, don't trick.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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