Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Found your dick twin last night
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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