i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
