wrigley field is MILF paradise
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
