Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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