Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
