I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
