if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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