my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
