You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
