you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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