i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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