exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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