If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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