Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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