please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
