I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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