Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
