I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
