I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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