Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Someone came in the potted fern
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Randomize
