all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
