This is not my ceiling
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
