I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
