i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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