We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
