if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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