All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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