JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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