I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
