How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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