i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
