You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
