WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
