Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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