I hate all girls vehemently.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
