even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
