Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
