Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
