never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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