Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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