I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
