Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
