I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
