I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
