have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
