I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
