I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
